Just Say No

Do you know your basic rights as a human?  I’ve never had to because the governments of the countries I’ve lived in have usually handled that sort of thing well.  I’ve never had to because my background is such that I’ve accepted these rights in the same way that I’ve accepted oxygen.  But there are millions of children born in developing countries who need to fight their families, their governments, and their cultures for them.  And the Charter doesn’t mean anything to them either.

To address this, my organization brought together various speakers who work within the field of Sex and Gender-Based Violence (SGBV) to speak to higher secondary students on the topic of sexual harassment and violence.  This uncomfortable (but necessary) discussion was treated with the same level of awkwardness found between adolescents and adults the world over.  My organization did a good job of presenting itself as a service provided free-of-charge to victims of rape to encourage them to take control of their lives again – including medical, psychological, and socio-economic care.  I am proud to be involved with an organization that not only treats the outcome of the problem, but also seeks to address the source through education; I hope I can present sometime over the course of the next few years (though the thought of standing in front of a group of high school students and talking about sex in French makes me dry heave).    

One speaker shared about the judicial system and the cultural practices that children and teens can legally protest.  His private goal seemed to be to assure each student that if they did anything sexual with each other under the age of 18, he would personally find them and make them pay:

“You can’t have sex now because, under the law, you are unable to give consent.  You know why?  I’ll tell you why - because you can’t possibly understand the ramifications of having sex.  Can anyone tell me any effects of sexual activity?  Yeah, yeah, that’s what I thought – no one, none of you, not one…  Yes?  Right, diseases.  Is that all?  Ha-ha-ho-ho, you think you know every--  Oh yes, and unwanted pregnancies – right.  Is that all?  Ha-ha-ho-ho, you’re so young and innocent--  Oh, yes, and the moral repercussions – right, well.  So there you have it – you don’t understand and you can’t give consent, so there.  Anyway, you are underage and you shouldn’t be doing anything now. 

“Pornography is illegal, so don’t go on those sites.  And if you do anything together, it is considered sexual violence and you can be brought to the court of law.  If your friends help you hide it, they’re complicit and can also be prosecuted.  If you do something and we find out about it years later, you can still be prosecuted, you and everyone else involved, and your friends who kept it a secret.  Your pet dog that died when you were young?  Yeah, that was us, because we knew you would have underage sex, so we went back in time and punished you retroactively.  If you so much as think sexy thoughts, we will know and we will make you wish you’d thought of England and fractions.  Are we clear?  Any questions?  Good.”

I’m all for encouraging abstinence, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the incidence of sexually transmitted infections, rapes, teen pregnancies, and abortions in various parts of the world seem to indicate that it is not the method of choice for most, and there were probably other topics he could have covered with relation to rights and the judicial system.  In addition, he described some sexual acts that were a little… graphic, and I think it might have been good to know what the students had learned by way of sex ed before, or to have the school nurse present for support, or to provide a more clinical aspect rather than, “Hey, we know [insert sex act here] feels good, we know you’re doing it, and we know you’re hiding it; just wait till we get you.”

Another speaker presented solely on gender-based violence, which starts at home in that girls are required to do housework as well as homework.  Most girls’ lives here seem to be based on the understanding that they are learning skills at home that they will be vital to their futures, but that school is an extracurricular.  I may have mentioned my views on this once or twice before, so I won’t go into further detail.  One point of interest was a new UNICEF goal which seeks to empower women in the workforce and the educational and judicial system.

It was also interesting that many girls in one school self-identified as ready to give up further education and get married in order to have babies.  At the other school, upon learning that rape can cause prolonged menstruation – Comme quinze jours! – all the girls gave a uniform cry of horror.     

The uterus is a hard taskmistress. 

As for the boys, it was maddening to see how the patriarchy is ingrained into this society.  Once again, the verses about Eve being subject to Adam were recited in voices barely past breaking - Adam’s apples bobbing and moustaches at full creepiness potential - as well as the worry that Western thoughts and ideas were creeping in to ruin healthy marriages here.  The girls had nothing to say in response, but wanted to know when they would be able to speak up for elder sisters, or speak out against fathers.

I’m generalizing – there were a few boys who spoke up to ask what they could do to prevent sexual harassment, and a few girls who believed that they were created to get married and bear children.  All of these opinions are fine – I promise.  It’s only when the ‘rebels’ are ostracised, or the submissive ones are abused that the system of misogyny becomes evident. 

It was also interesting to observe the classroom dynamic; questions were encouraged and given due recognition, but students were often teased by adults for giving the ‘wrong’ answer or for making a statement.  Inciting students to laugh at each other, especially over the topic at hand, didn’t seem conducive to discussion, but most of the students took it stride (though there was some instances of frustration and Sir, let me finish my question…)

Through all this, I had mostly succeeded in staying impersonal because I was there to observe, but when one speaker began advocating the ‘justice’ of speaking out against a father for propagating gender-based violence (e.g. marrying off his underage daughter to a an older man, or only choosing to educate his sons), I began to simmer. 

It’s the right thing to do; you have certain rights; the law is on your side, you have a responsibility to do it…

No. 

This does not speak to mental health or freedom of choice, nor was it highlighted as a joint agreement between the young men and women to protect the vulnerable.  It’s incredibly traumatizing for a young woman to go against cultural norms – not to mention against her father - in a patriarchal society.  Doing so may mean giving up all the relative comforts she has experienced so far: a home, food, the constant presence of a large family; all of which mean safety and belonging.  And this requires a lot of support – from the church, from mentors, from counsellors – particularly as she will likely no longer be able to support herself, much less deal with the guilt of taking her father before the justice system.  And would a church help her, her sister, her mother – or tell them to go back home and be properly submissive?  It takes a lot of faith, and not in a UNICEF tribunal, a church, mentors, counsellors, or her own troubled mind...

It's a choice, and one that should not minimized.  It's time to ask yourself, little girl - young man - mother-in-law - brother - whether it's worth it.  Whether it's worth fighting this battle at some personal cost, not for any changes that you might see, but for a baby girl someday.