...Speaking as a person who really doesn't feel a lot of emotion, I am feeling mild perturbation (what an intelligent person would probably note as 'morbid terror') by five things right now.
1) I have an undiagnosed illness
I either find out about it or I drop dead of it, so it really doesn't matter either way. But when you factor in quitting a fairly good job, possibly going to Central Africa, and flirting with the thought of dying there... I feel the same sense of confused panic that was birthed when teachers said dividing by zero was Not Done.
2) I am not a missionary
...despite what my tax forms say. I wish I had the CRA's assurance that if you spend some time abroad without getting paid, you are a missionary.
For God.
Going.
In His name.
Like one of His people.
Loving your enemies.
I mean, really.
3) ...Like, really.
You know those people who harp on about beautiful souls and serving and love and hashtags and pictures?
...Imagine the other end of that spectrum
...Then keep going.
I am there.
I dislike people at the best of times. Then I love them and it is infinitely worse.
4) I won't get to go
Because when you don't go to the doctor for years and then go in a panic when you have a slight snafu in your tubing system and thirty different forms to fill... you may not get the answer you're hoping for. And by then I won't have a job. So. That's possible.
5) I'll hate it
Because you could go and you could hate everyone on your team and they could set fire to your bedroll or chamberpot or whatever mechanism is most necessary to life. For two whole years. I mean, it's not likely, but I like to be prepared. With kickboxing lessons and nine lives which are not affected by typhoid, yellow fever, malaria, ebola, cholera, semolina, academia, et cetera.
Please Note: I don't actually believe these things or lose sleep over them. This is just the usual state of my mind during unguarded moments, variations of which I've probably felt before each time I've travelled.
I still love God.
I still believe He is victor.
And I'll stay where He has placed me.
And move from strength to strength.
(Or tears to hysterical laughter and back again.)
1) I have an undiagnosed illness
I either find out about it or I drop dead of it, so it really doesn't matter either way. But when you factor in quitting a fairly good job, possibly going to Central Africa, and flirting with the thought of dying there... I feel the same sense of confused panic that was birthed when teachers said dividing by zero was Not Done.
2) I am not a missionary
...despite what my tax forms say. I wish I had the CRA's assurance that if you spend some time abroad without getting paid, you are a missionary.
For God.
Going.
In His name.
Like one of His people.
Loving your enemies.
I mean, really.
3) ...Like, really.
You know those people who harp on about beautiful souls and serving and love and hashtags and pictures?
...Imagine the other end of that spectrum
...Then keep going.
I am there.
I dislike people at the best of times. Then I love them and it is infinitely worse.
4) I won't get to go
Because when you don't go to the doctor for years and then go in a panic when you have a slight snafu in your tubing system and thirty different forms to fill... you may not get the answer you're hoping for. And by then I won't have a job. So. That's possible.
5) I'll hate it
Because you could go and you could hate everyone on your team and they could set fire to your bedroll or chamberpot or whatever mechanism is most necessary to life. For two whole years. I mean, it's not likely, but I like to be prepared. With kickboxing lessons and nine lives which are not affected by typhoid, yellow fever, malaria, ebola, cholera, semolina, academia, et cetera.
Please Note: I don't actually believe these things or lose sleep over them. This is just the usual state of my mind during unguarded moments, variations of which I've probably felt before each time I've travelled.
I still love God.
I still believe He is victor.
And I'll stay where He has placed me.
And move from strength to strength.
(Or tears to hysterical laughter and back again.)
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