Woman shall not live by water alone

After three days of no water – literally not a drop (as our shared tank, which I had never before tried to access because I’d been trying to prepare myself for village life, was also apparently bone-dry) – I was a bit delirious. 

I ran out of co-ed - appropriate pyjamas (due to a freak shower of yogourt) two days ago and simply go to bed at around 8pm now – ostensibly to wait for water at midnight, but also in a fervent and totally unappreciated desire to preserve Butters’ sanity and innocence (I once screamed at him to get away from my door when he knocked to politely ask permission to use a pan – in my defense, I’m used to living with friends and family who usually use knocking as a prelude to walking in).  Thank the triune God for our differing schedules in the morning and REGIDESO for opening the pipes at midnight – both of which allow me to use my towel as armour (barring a few minor knot malfunctions).   

Anyway, due to a series of misunderstandings involving personal motivations, Butters vaguely hinted that I was irrational; I believe his exact words were, “You’re being irrational,” but I read between the line.  As we discussed my concerns, I realised that his (completely insane) conclusion was due to a difference in assessment of the grades of water here. 

I have thus compiled a list for posterity.

Filtered Poop Bacteria (Tapeworm Egg) Ant Juice

This is the water found in our filter - which uses ceramic pillars and operates on the assumption that water will pass through, but bacteria and large particles will remain trapped.  It is drinkable in that I drink it and have not (yet) died. 

I have been taught, likely from fertilization, that Developing Country Water must be boiled before ingestion.  The only alternative is jaundice and near-death (I have one uncle who took this route, thus changing our family’s lives forever). 

Do I realise that this water is probably safe?  Yes. 

Do I think it contains poop bacteria and tapeworm eggs from the lake?  Yes. 

Butters has also identified that the filter is a mass ant death camp, as they climb into the spout and are drowned when we fill our water bottles.  As we have previously eaten ant-flavoured pizza (they liked the sugar in the dough), I choose not to dwell on this; Butters insists on picking a tiny ant corpse out of every bottle and cup and holding a tiny ant funeral with a tiny minute of ant silence for each one.  

Lizard Poop Water 

This is the water found in one of the buckets in my bathroom.  I am left with a fond reminder of the pitter-patter of little webbed feet in the form of small black pellets in the bottom of the bucket that discolour the water (over and above the silt).

I have reached a point in my life where I can’t even actually blame the lizards – they likely see this bucket under the window as a large toilet.  They also see the window as a toilet.  Sometimes also the bathtub. 

...It’s nice that they confine themselves to the bathroom, at any rate.

So, because I usually do not have the heart to empty all this water, I usually wash the bathtub and/or toilet with it.  Occasionally the spin cycle of my laundry because when the going gets tough, the tough weep, then roll up their sleeves and get going. 

My back once gave out in rebellion after this capitulation.  For a week, I was in agony as my back had some sort of catch that acted up only when I sat or lay down.  Believe me when I say it is humiliating to find an Error 404 where your back used to be and flail around on your bed like an overturned turtle. 

All because of this low-grade water. 

Slimy Mould Water

This is the water found in the two large, dirty buckets on our verandah.  The inside of the buckets is slick with a certain (as the French say) I don't know what, which is why I have an obsessive compulsion to only wash my body and insides with water from the pipes rather than water that’s been sitting in a unwashed tank/bucket/bottle for long periods of time. 

Butters regularly bathes in this primordial soup to keep his youth and glowing skin.  I think he’s 91, but to look at him, you wouldn’t guess a day over 12. 

In an effort to understand his earthy, tribal practices, I also bathed in it, but remain unconvinced.  I’m sure I will try it again at some point (when the water has been out for three days, I’ve spilled yogourt over my life, and there is literally no other alternative to moderate cleanliness). 

I hate REGIDESO for giving us water the midnight after I compromised my principles. 

Silty Bean Water

This is the water that lives in our kitchen bucket.  I try to wash this bucket every so often as our house helper is usually unwilling to (likely too busy thinking longingly of my messy bed).  It does not usually feel slimy, but collects silt and floaters and does not seem the best water with which to wash our plates and utensils. 

The most magical aspect of this water is that it sometimes grows beans. 

Even when no one in the house has made beans for days. 

Sometimes they are chickpeas.  Not enough to make a curry, but I have hopes.   

When I see these Unidentified Fève Objects, I think longingly of the day it will be possible to inject peanut butter directly into a vein. 

Unfiltered Silty Death Poison

This is the water that comes from our pipes.  We use it to bathe, wash our dishes, and (eventually) drink.  I stubbornly use different containers for each of these functions and try not to think of the fact that they may be used interchangeably without my knowledge.

Not to mention sometimes used to check the freshness of chicken-poop – covered eggs.

...Excuse me while I get the peanut butter.