I have been part of a few conferences and seminars by now. I've mentioned them here, but I've mainly taken them with a Canadian winter's worth of salt because I know the leaders to be either corrupt or flippant about the topic at hand.
This one was different.
We started around an hour later than expected, but there were no foreigners (other than me) to pay lip service to, and the speaker was a confident, honest, enthusiastic woman who seemed dedicated to supporting the vulnerable of her country and inspiring others to do the same. It was easy to tell because she asked hard questions about corruption and explored stupid, unrealistic, Western topics like pride in work and societal and individual changes motivated by people's suffering rather than money.
Among the participants was a cherubic two-month old who pooped and breast-fed with single-minded determination and a radio jockey's medley of sound effects. I got to hold him while his indefatigable mother ate, and thus my day was elevated to heavenly.
But it all started out very typically: the leaders were set up fully one hour late, we had to choose a Chef du Village to keep order and follow our schedule, create a Code of Conduct that basically specified how to be a functional member of society, and note down our goals and fears and go over each to assure participants that they would be addressed or avoided.
I groaned inwardly through all of this. Meetings, in general, are a vile waste of time in my world, and then to go through this political facade - we were watched over by a man who created a constitution he refuses to follow, and our constitution included following our schedule, which was already one hour behind - was a level of hypocrisy that should come with a choking hazard warning.
I came cautiously awake when she said, “We are here not because we are receiving money, but because we want to see a change in our society.”
I believe she is a lawyer, professor, and mother of four, which partially explained her eloquence and clarity. The greatest tribute I can offer is to quote her - with some creative license and minor personal commentary.
“We should practice what we preach – our actions matter! Without saying a word, we should inspire the public to change!”
“Instead of promoting the sustainability of our activities, our actions promote the sustainability of rape.”
“[Some women] cringe at the thought of drinking milk or eating chicken. They can't – it's embarrassing to think of.” Exhibit A was her own mother, who, to date, couldn't bear the thought of taking these foods that were meant for men.
“We've seen Le Pen and Clinton. Why not a Congolaise? What stops us? Stereotypes stop us... Development is not possible without women. Development is not possible without men.” Yeah, it's kind of an 'of the people, by the people, for the people' kind of thing. 'People' being the objective word in that idea.
“We need to start with the family instead of pointing fingers to a higher level... Cultural practices that were good at one point are not anymore... [For example, in one area,] only the eldest and youngest could inherit – none of the other children! This alienates all the rest – we have to speak out against this! We can tell a boy to get up at 4am and draw water from miles away in order to protect his sister from rape – this is a good, normal thing... But we should respect the culture. Be gentle – even a single, consistent drop will wet the ground. Change will come in time, but not by being rough... Highlight the inconvenience of current methods and the benefits of change.”
“It has been said that if you want to hide something from an African, write it in a book. Fight this!”
“They say that women cannot be promoted – they're late to work because of their kids, need time off if their kids are sick, need maternity leave, needneedneed - forgetting that all that is due to a man as well. He also has the same level of responsibility.” I have personally noted the regretful way in which people explain how a girl 'got herself pregnant.' Scientifically speaking, this is unlikely. And while maternity leave here is three months – which, considering that women have at least six children on average, is a marginally valid reason to avoid hiring women – having seen three mothers at work with their infants within one month of giving birth, I know that even this is a privilege.
“Man is the head of the house - and women have internalised this and diminished themselves, not accepting their own value. But we are not feminists! We are fighting for the value of women.” This is one of those battles I have chosen to sit out because, quite frankly, I don't like identifying as a feminist either; some of y'all are crazies. But if I let my natural distaste of people rule me, I wouldn't call myself a Christian, an Indian, or a Canadian either. I am a feminist, and so were all the women and some of the men in that room; I guess we all have closets.
“You have the responsibility/obligation to improve the image of women in your circle. Do you/your NGO carry out that obligation/responsibility?” This was a beautiful, brutal question, if participants took it seriously. And if they did, most would have to say no. I have seen men joke about stereotypes with relation to women, and women laugh because there's nothing else to do; I have participated because there is no explaining the threat of physical violence in a home to a man unless he wants to hear it. Believe me, I see the humour in many, many things - insinuating that women are overreacting with regard to harassment, rape, gender-based violence, or domestic violence does not fall into that category.
As usual, weak men became defensive at this assault on their delicate sensibilities and began to ask the really hard questions. For example, why do some women still accept to dance in music videos semi-nude?
“Because there are stereotypes of women – she is the seductress, and men are there to be seduced.”
But there are stereotypes of men too! For example, that men don't cry!
“Men's stereotypes are to encourage – to make them stronger, to remind them of a positive identity. But women's stereotypes are much more numerous, and they are negative – to show that they are weak, and that they have no value outside of their bodies... Women are machines that are always on – from bringing water in the morning to caring for children and cooking and working throughout the day to sex at night. We are asking for you to respect women, not because they're women, but because they're human!” I kind of can't believe we're still having this debate. I don't care if she wants to be a stay-at-home mother of 20 or a pediatric neurosurgeon with a minor in quantum physics – I want her to be respected for the work she does. I also want both these hypothetical women to have a choice as to when they have sex. This should not be up for discussion.
“Be proud of your work, be honest, don't be corrupt. We will change the actions of donors if we change. Keep trying, don't stop! When you're drying clothes or drying manioc, you keep turning it over, again and again - so don't give up! We don't have a magic recipe – it's up to you.
This one was different.
We started around an hour later than expected, but there were no foreigners (other than me) to pay lip service to, and the speaker was a confident, honest, enthusiastic woman who seemed dedicated to supporting the vulnerable of her country and inspiring others to do the same. It was easy to tell because she asked hard questions about corruption and explored stupid, unrealistic, Western topics like pride in work and societal and individual changes motivated by people's suffering rather than money.
Among the participants was a cherubic two-month old who pooped and breast-fed with single-minded determination and a radio jockey's medley of sound effects. I got to hold him while his indefatigable mother ate, and thus my day was elevated to heavenly.
But it all started out very typically: the leaders were set up fully one hour late, we had to choose a Chef du Village to keep order and follow our schedule, create a Code of Conduct that basically specified how to be a functional member of society, and note down our goals and fears and go over each to assure participants that they would be addressed or avoided.
I groaned inwardly through all of this. Meetings, in general, are a vile waste of time in my world, and then to go through this political facade - we were watched over by a man who created a constitution he refuses to follow, and our constitution included following our schedule, which was already one hour behind - was a level of hypocrisy that should come with a choking hazard warning.
I came cautiously awake when she said, “We are here not because we are receiving money, but because we want to see a change in our society.”
I believe she is a lawyer, professor, and mother of four, which partially explained her eloquence and clarity. The greatest tribute I can offer is to quote her - with some creative license and minor personal commentary.
“We should practice what we preach – our actions matter! Without saying a word, we should inspire the public to change!”
“Instead of promoting the sustainability of our activities, our actions promote the sustainability of rape.”
“[Some women] cringe at the thought of drinking milk or eating chicken. They can't – it's embarrassing to think of.” Exhibit A was her own mother, who, to date, couldn't bear the thought of taking these foods that were meant for men.
“We've seen Le Pen and Clinton. Why not a Congolaise? What stops us? Stereotypes stop us... Development is not possible without women. Development is not possible without men.” Yeah, it's kind of an 'of the people, by the people, for the people' kind of thing. 'People' being the objective word in that idea.
“We need to start with the family instead of pointing fingers to a higher level... Cultural practices that were good at one point are not anymore... [For example, in one area,] only the eldest and youngest could inherit – none of the other children! This alienates all the rest – we have to speak out against this! We can tell a boy to get up at 4am and draw water from miles away in order to protect his sister from rape – this is a good, normal thing... But we should respect the culture. Be gentle – even a single, consistent drop will wet the ground. Change will come in time, but not by being rough... Highlight the inconvenience of current methods and the benefits of change.”
“It has been said that if you want to hide something from an African, write it in a book. Fight this!”
“They say that women cannot be promoted – they're late to work because of their kids, need time off if their kids are sick, need maternity leave, needneedneed - forgetting that all that is due to a man as well. He also has the same level of responsibility.” I have personally noted the regretful way in which people explain how a girl 'got herself pregnant.' Scientifically speaking, this is unlikely. And while maternity leave here is three months – which, considering that women have at least six children on average, is a marginally valid reason to avoid hiring women – having seen three mothers at work with their infants within one month of giving birth, I know that even this is a privilege.
“Man is the head of the house - and women have internalised this and diminished themselves, not accepting their own value. But we are not feminists! We are fighting for the value of women.” This is one of those battles I have chosen to sit out because, quite frankly, I don't like identifying as a feminist either; some of y'all are crazies. But if I let my natural distaste of people rule me, I wouldn't call myself a Christian, an Indian, or a Canadian either. I am a feminist, and so were all the women and some of the men in that room; I guess we all have closets.
“You have the responsibility/obligation to improve the image of women in your circle. Do you/your NGO carry out that obligation/responsibility?” This was a beautiful, brutal question, if participants took it seriously. And if they did, most would have to say no. I have seen men joke about stereotypes with relation to women, and women laugh because there's nothing else to do; I have participated because there is no explaining the threat of physical violence in a home to a man unless he wants to hear it. Believe me, I see the humour in many, many things - insinuating that women are overreacting with regard to harassment, rape, gender-based violence, or domestic violence does not fall into that category.
As usual, weak men became defensive at this assault on their delicate sensibilities and began to ask the really hard questions. For example, why do some women still accept to dance in music videos semi-nude?
“Because there are stereotypes of women – she is the seductress, and men are there to be seduced.”
But there are stereotypes of men too! For example, that men don't cry!
“Men's stereotypes are to encourage – to make them stronger, to remind them of a positive identity. But women's stereotypes are much more numerous, and they are negative – to show that they are weak, and that they have no value outside of their bodies... Women are machines that are always on – from bringing water in the morning to caring for children and cooking and working throughout the day to sex at night. We are asking for you to respect women, not because they're women, but because they're human!” I kind of can't believe we're still having this debate. I don't care if she wants to be a stay-at-home mother of 20 or a pediatric neurosurgeon with a minor in quantum physics – I want her to be respected for the work she does. I also want both these hypothetical women to have a choice as to when they have sex. This should not be up for discussion.
“Be proud of your work, be honest, don't be corrupt. We will change the actions of donors if we change. Keep trying, don't stop! When you're drying clothes or drying manioc, you keep turning it over, again and again - so don't give up! We don't have a magic recipe – it's up to you.
"Among my people, we have a saying: United, we can defeat the leopard!”
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